Defining Success & Failure to Launch

“You’re a loser!” “You’re pathetic!” “You can’t do anything right!” Negative self-talk often accompanies a lack of self-confidence. Lack of self-confidence can result from any number of stimuli, and one of the more common of these is a perceived lack of success. Perceived lack of success and failure are basically the same with one critical difference: one’s viewpoint.

Failure is an absolute, often the result of black and white thinking. When one defines her/his action as a failure, it is difficult to climb out of the pit created by the rigid thinking. This often leads to a downward spiral of increasingly paralyzing self-talk and negative thinking patterns.

Converse to failure, perception is much more fluid. It adds gray area to the black and white, which provides enough wiggle room to change from the negative thought pattern of black and white thinking to a more positive thought process. A critical step to climbing out of the pit of “failure to launch due to failure from lack of success” is to change the black and white thinking pattern defined by “failure” into gray thinking defined by “perception.”

If a young adult is encouraged to redefine her or his sense of success, he or she is more apt to develop self-confidence and slowly be lifted out of the doldrums of failure to launch.

It is possible to alter one’s definition of success. Take for example a struggling musician who defines success as becoming a studio/session player or member of a signed band. If the musician does not specifically become a studio/session player or member of a band, in the black and white thought pattern, she or he will consider this (and themselves) a failure. However, she or he can re-define success by choosing to believe the mere fact that the ability to learn to play an instrument or sing in the first place is a success.

What if the struggling musician is no musician at all and comes to the realization that she or he is unable to learn to play an instrument or sing? Is there no hope for her or him to become successful? In western thinking, we often gauge success based on accomplishments and rewards. I pose that success can also be based on the impact we have on the world around us.

One of the main points in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which we utilize as part of a comprehensive approach here at Optimum Performance Institute and within our OPI Intensive, is mindfulness. Through practicing mindfulness, one of the goals is to become aware of how you are feeling, how your feelings are affecting you, and how those feelings in turn cause you to affect others with whom you interact. When we change our focus from constantly being inward to outward, choose to treat others with the dignity and respect they deserve, and we define that as success, we will effectively redefine our failure to connect with others into successful, vibrant relationships and be able to consider ourselves successful regardless of how many or how few accomplishments or rewards we may or may not acquire.

By Michael Klinedinst,
Independent Living Specialist

For more information on OPI’s programs and our measures to help young adults find direction, meaning, and purpose to overcome Failure to Launch issues, call us at (888) 814-5985 or click HERE to submit an online form. We’ll be in touch promptly.