Calming the Terrible Twos Using DBT Skills

terrible twos DBT skillsThere is that look that I have come to know well in my toddler…the one where the smile starts to turn down, the lip starts to quiver, the face starts to redden, and that first tear runs down the cheek. There is that moment of panic as I wait to see how this will turn out. As automatic as it has become for me to use DBT skills on the job, it has started to become more automatic at home as well as I brave the toddler years with my son.

When I first started getting involved with DBT skills at OPI, I had high hopes that the skills would offer new strategies for working with clients; however I had no idea how impacting it would be on my personal life as a mom. DBT skills are used to help regulate and tolerate intense emotions. While not designed for use with toddlers, they can be very applicable and helpful.

My toddler is fearless, perceptive, and as independent as they come. He is as skilled at testing heights as he is at testing boundaries, and while I love his bravery and unwavering determination, it can definitely be trying. Fortunately, he is also an excellent listener, inquisitive, and open to trying new things which makes utilizing DBT skills with him possible.

Similar to what we suggest with our participants, I practice skills with him when he is not emotionally dsyregulated so he can be familiar when he is. I am able to modify mindfulness activities that we use in our OPI groups to match his age as well as his developmental and cognitive stages. Here are some examples of ways I am integrating skills into everyday life:

 

Mindfulness:
Observe – We do this when we sit on the driveway, while at the mall, or anywhere we can watch the local community in action.

Describe – We point out types of vehicles, dogs, birds, airplanes, joggers and city employees at work. As his vocabulary develops, his descriptions are moving from one word basic naming to three worded descriptions including type, color, and size. We practice making faces in the mirror to show different emotions and identify expressions when reading stories during our bedtime routine.

Participate – One of the most effective participating activities we do, after sitting in a 45 minute commute, is trying to catch the lizards in the front yard. I have him pretend to blow out imaginary candles on my fingers or pretend to blow up a balloon to practice deep breathing.

 

Emotion Regulation:

ABC PLEASE– The majority of us have seen what a hungry, tired, and cranky child looks like, so I ensured that we created consistent routines to reduce emotional vulnerabilities. We make certain to always have snacks and water on hand, plenty of play time outdoors, and consistent nap and nighttime sleep routines.

Distress Tolerance:

When emotionally dysregulated and in full-on crying mode, I use some distracting skills from Wise Mind ACCEPTS – especially with activities, opposite emotions, sensations/self soothe, and thoughts.

  • Activities: depends on the location, but sports or games, puzzles, building blocks, games on phone, dance parties
  • Opposite Actions: talking/singing in a silly voice, startling sounds or movements to elicit a reaction
  • Thoughts: ask him to tell stories/sing songs, ask about a particular friend/teacher, talk about the upcoming weekend that includes some special treat, and distract with questions. He doesn’t give answers, but it helps in the moment.
  • Sensations/Self-Soothe: rub stuffed animals, blankets, ask if he sees something shocking, like ”Was that a dragon in the kitchen?”, pet the dogs, fresh fruit, smell flowers or candles

 

As a parent, I also use skills a lot of GIVE skills to talk through the emotions, STOP skills before reacting, half-smile and cheerleading statements while in public, and my own personal practice of mindfulness to give my child my full attention. I have learned that some of the emotional reactions of my son were because I wasn’t giving him my full attention and was missing some of what he was trying to communicate.

I feel that by utilizing basic DBT skills with him, I have been able to mostly avoid the “Terrible Twos.” Now that’s not to say that every day is terrific. There are still meltdowns when the wrong socks are being put on, and I definitely hear the word “No” more frequently that I prefer, but we are able to lessen the intensity and frequency of the emotionally dysregulated outbursts with these skills.

At OPI Intensive for young adults with Borderline Personality Disorder and BPD traits, we intensively integrate DBT as part of your treatment plan. We offer compassionate, clinically sophisticated intensive residential help, including genetic testing to determine the best course for medications, if needed. Rather than a sterile, hospital-like environment, we offer beautiful accommodations in luxury apartments just outside of Los Angeles.  At OPI Intensive, we treat the individual, not the diagnosis.  Our clinical team is made up of a diverse community of passionate, highly skilled individuals working together with you to help you find your joy and express it.   For more information on OPI Intensive residential programs and our measures to help young adults with Borderline Personality Disorder, call us at 866-661-3982 or click HERE to submit an online form. We’ll be in touch promptly.