Overcoming Failure to Launch: Creating Space for Dialogue within the Extremes of Idealization and Devaluation in Borderline Personality Disorder

Overcoming Failure to Launch Borderline Personality BPDIndividuals diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder often have a characteristic pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. They may idealize therapists, caregivers, friends, or lovers during the first initial period together. They may then demand to spend an exorbitant amount of time together and share the most intimate and personal details early on in their relationships. Characteristically, they may then switch quickly from idealizing people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not “get them,” or is not “there” enough for them.

Sufferers of BPD often have the ability to “be there” and nurture others, however, this behavior is usually conditional with the demand that others “be there” for them. This may lead to them often feeling like their needs are not being met due to the intrusive and over-indulgent attention seeking behaviors they sometimes exhibit. This can lead to sudden shifts in personality and the manner in which individuals with BPD view others. These shifts are often interpreted as disappointment and rejection of caregivers whose encouragement had once been idealized and now whose rejection and abandonment is anticipated

People with BPD have a tendency to view themselves and their world in black and white terms. They see themselves as “all bad”, unworthy, lacking empathy and find themselves involved in highly volatile relationships due to their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment. They often worry about alienating and losing friends and relationships. This can lead to risky behavior such as sexually acting out, drug abuse, binge eating, and having difficulty managing finances. People with BPD may find themselves involved in intense interpersonal relationships due to the inability to tolerate or be with life’s gray areas and often find that they are overly reactive due to their perception of the world in black and white, all or nothing terms. They are prone to swings in their mood where they can get very angry about things that may seem non-eventful to others, then turn around and feel awful about what they did or said and wind up spiraling into a depressive cycle.

Caregivers often see this cycle of behavior or intense interpersonal struggle and label the individuals as “energy vampires” due to their unrealistic expectations of relationships. Often times, the individual’s negative self-image and destructive self-harming patterns i.e.: suicidal gesture, threats or self-harm, cause family and friends to “walk on eggshells” around them. Caregivers also report being afraid of “doing anything to set them off” due to Individuals with BPD characteristic intense anger and volatility with violent outbursts. Individuals find themselves unable to deal with everyday relationships and day to day living expectations due to their emotional deregulation and the time spent having to deal with these negative cycles. Staying stuck in a pattern, these negative interpersonal cycles may contribute to an individual’s inability to move forward in life, or in the case of the young adult, a “failure to launch”. Interpersonal Effectiveness is one of the core modules of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), the treatment that is used specifically at OPI within our OPI Intensive. Interpersonal Effectiveness skills enable participants to make and maintain relationships, resolve conflict effectively when it arises, and gets theirs and other’s needs met in an effectively balanced manner.

In part two of this article, we will explore DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills.

At OPI, we offer compassionate, clinically sophisticated intensive residential help for young adult men and women who suffer from borderline personality disorder or BPD traits, including genetic testing to determine the best course for medications, if needed. Rather than a sterile, hospital-like environment, we offer beautiful accommodations in luxury apartments just outside of Los Angeles.  At OPI Intensive, we treat the individual, not the diagnosis.  Our clinical team is made up of a diverse community of passionate, highly skilled individuals working together with you to help you find your joy and express it.   For more information on OPI Intensive residential programs and our measures to help young adults with Borderline Personality Disorder, call us at 866-661-3982 or click HERE to submit an online form. We’ll be in touch promptly.