Having Kids with a BPD Diagnosis
I had to research this topic quite a bit and found tons and tons of negative information. And, contrary to any blog out there, I will give you the ending first. It’s your call. Only YOU can decide whether or not to have children with your BPD diagnosis. I can tell you that if you are unstable (medications, therapies, etc), then it’s probably not the right time for you. But, if you have found a good program for you and you are maintaining your symptoms, then you have every right to decide whether or not now (or ever) would be the right time to expand your family.
There are so many concerns that come up for folks who are suffering from BPD. The main concern that comes up time and time again is the fear of messing up their kids – introducing children into a life of chaos, becoming abusive due to uncontrollable symptoms, or, worse yet, being an absentee parent because their own life is just too much for them to even handle themselves. A Reddit.com forum brought back these quotes, which seemed to be repeated over and over again:
“I don’t want to be injuring or hearing voices or going to the hospital with kids.”
“It struck me that this is how my children will think of me: toxic, unstable, harmful, and even abusive.”
“I’m ending the cycle of abuse by not reproducing.”
This is enough to make anyone suffering from BPD rethink their stance on having children.
But, there is positive stuff out there!
For instance, in a comment on www.mybpdstory.wordpress.com, Pride in Madness states “I will have children. I will love my children. My children will be alright. ”And, after getting permission to use her quote, Pride in Madness shared with me she is currently pregnant and plans on continuing to practice DBT skills and to teach those skills to her children. She believes knowing this skill set will give her children an advantage in coping, communicating, and processing. (Permission obtained)
The author of The Messy Art of Living further shares the positivity: “I have four children and I have BPD. Here are some facts: I am not perfect, I do not have all the answers, and I have and will make mistakes. Here are some other facts: all of the facts I just mentioned apply to all mothers….No matter who you are or what your life entails, there can be issues or challenges you cannot change or plan for, and yet you can still have a full and successful life. BPD is also absolutely one of those things that can be turned around and navigated successfully.” (Permission obtained)
Another poster on the BPD Sanctuary Forum wrote (http://borderlinepersonalitydisordersanctuaryforum.yuku.com/topic/5527/I-have-BPD-Should-I-have-kids#.Vqe2e_krLmg): “I think as a parent with BPD the biggest and most rewarding challenge has been raising my kids with normalcy…. But I also think they forced me to create that normalcy and recognize that there are things out there greater than myself, it took that self-centered part of BPD and forced me to consider others more closely.”
The end message is clear. You’ve heard it before: You are not your diagnosis. You are an individual who happens to be suffering from a mental illness, in this case BPD. Having children or not having children is such a personal decision and no one can make it for you. You can research to your heart’s content, but nothing will decide if this is the right move for your family except for you. Consider your stability, your ability to love another, and your wants and needs. Are they conducive to expanding your family? If not now, then maybe later, but it’s my opinion that just because you have BPD, you shouldn’t automatically rule out having kids.